Sleeping Beauty A shocking fairy tale
by Katakanion
Summary: Espada style! With Grimmjow as our beautiful princess and Ulquiorra as the prince! Read to find out what Szayel the frog did to Queen Gin, and what Barragan is doing! Mild Grimmjow x Ulquiorra, Aizen x Gin. Rated T just to be safe ;D


**Hiya peeps^^ I just really felt like doing this, so don't blame me for selling crack.**

**Disclaimer: Bleach and it's characters belong to Kubo Tite©**

Sleeping Beauty ~ _**Espada style**_

**Long, long, long, long, loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong ago there were a King and a Queen who complained every day:**

Aizen and Gin: Goddamnit!! We're sick of this shit!! Why can't we get a child?!!

**'Cause you're both males idiots.**

Gin: But I thought I was da Queen. An' surely females can get children, right?

**Whatever you are, you're still a male.**

Gin: But why did ya make me da Queen then?

**'Cause you can't get any children. And if you're two males then it's obvious.**

Gin: What's the point of makin' me a female then?

**The story says it's a King and a Queen, NOW PUT THAT DRESS ON!! **

Gin: Aw, dun wanna~.

**Do you you me to show every one that picture of you in a thong?**

Gin: *Puts dress on*

Grimmjow: *doubles over* GHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! YOU LOOK DAMN RIDICULOUS IN THAT THING!! *is now rolling on the floor*

Gin: 'T least I ain't gonna be Sleepin' Beauty.

Grimmjow: *suddenly stops*

Aizen: What? You didn't know?

Grimmjow: *colour drains from his face* WHAT?!! *faints*

**Anyway, one time the Queen was swimming around in her personal jaccuzi, making sommersaults and then landing flat on the watersurface. Then SUDDENLY-**

Gin: Why did I have to land that way??

**Because. Now, as I was saying: Then SUDDENLY-**

BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! CRASH!! KLANG!! *windows shatter and smoke is everywhere*

Gin: ACHOO!!!! *cough cough*

**DAMN IT, SZAYEL!!! YOU CAME IN TOO EARLY!!**

Szayel: I did?

Grimmjow: Why are you wearing a frog suit?

Szayel: How did you wake up?

**He just did. Anyway, as I was saying before I was interupted by a certain someone who came in to early *glares at Szayel*: Suddenly a frog appeared. And said:**

Szayel: Didn't the frog just climb out of the water?

Gin: THERE WAS A FROG IN MY JACCUZI??! *freaks out*

Aizen: Now, now. It was just Szayel.

Gin: THAT'S EVEN WORSE!!

**The frog said:**

Szayel: Vos voeux seront exaucés. Devant un année passée, vous obtenez une fille.

Gin: Huh?

**Very good, but now in English please.**

Szayel: But if I do it in French then it's much more dramatic.

**Maybe it is, but Gin didn't understand it.**

Szayel: Alright, alright. Your wish will be fulfilled at the end of next year, blabla, you'll gain a daughter, blabla.

**Better, but a little more enthusiasm.**

Szayel: Your wish will be fullfilled. Before the end you'll gain a daughter~! *makes dramatic pose*

**Good! Keep that stance and say it again 'cause you forgot a part.**

Szayel: I did?

Aizen: Yes you did. You said: Before the end you'll gain a daughter.

Szayel: Oops. *tries again (with a dramatic voice)* Your wish will be fullfilled. Before the end of next year you'll gain a daughter *poses ever more dramatic than before*

**Excellent! **

Gin: Oh... My... GOD!!! *squeels* Aizen-taichou!! Honey!! Cutey!!

Aizen: ... Yes?

Gin: You'll never guess what happened when I was playin' with da rubber duckies!!

Aizen: Well, why don't you tell me then?

Gin: *jumps in lap, grabs his shoulders and starts shaking him* Well, when I wuz playin' widda rubber duckiezz, some frog came outta nowhere 'n told me...!! Told me..!! Told me..!! Told me..!! Told me..!! Told me..!! Told me..!! Told me..!! Told me..!! Told me..!!

Aizen: *now having a headache* Oh dear, he tilted. Someone hit him on the head.

Szayel: Why don't you do it yourself?

Aizen: That will only add up to my headache.

Grimmjow: *grabs rock and throws it against the back of Gin's head*

Gin: *is knocked out*

Grimmjow: Oops?

Aizen: Great. Now I have a knocked out Gin on my lap whose head is now on my shoulder and his hands are gripping my shoulder and I can't pry them off.

Szayel: Well, be a little more optimistic, at least now you have time to let your headache go away.

Aizen: Yay...

**GIN!!!! WAKE UP!!!!**

Gin: *sleepy* Huh? Where am I? Oh, hi Aizen-taichou. Why am I on yer lap?

Aizen: You tilted and then got knocked out.

Gin: Oh. And why am I on yer lap?

Aizen: You did that yourself.

Gin: And why did I get on yer lap in da first place?

**You were telling him your awesome bathtime adventure.**

Gin: *brightens up* Oh Ya!! :D *starts shaking him again*

Aizen: Urgh...

**You tilted at: Some frog came outta nowhere and told me...**

Gin: Well!! Ya'll never guess what he told me!!! He told me that we're gonna get a daughter by the end of next year!!!

Aizen: *forces himself to a stop* REALLY???!!! THAT'S SO GREAT!!!!! :DDDD *starts making out with Gin out of nowhere*

Grimmjow: AAAAAHH!!! MY EYES!! MY FUCKING EYES!!! *starts running around*

Aizen and Gin: *suddenly stop making out*

Gin: What's wrong?

Aizen: That's all great and stuff, but how the hell are we even gonna get a child? I mean, we're both males.

Szayel: *evil grin*

Gin: Wha-, What?

**He gave you female innards.**

Gin: WHAT??!!! NO WAY!!! WHEN DID HE DO THAT??!!!! AAAAAH!!!!! *faints*

**Just joking. Jeez, don't need to panic.**

Aizen: Then how are we gonna get a child.

**Adoption!!!!**

Aizen: What?! The solution was that easy?!! Why didn't we think of that earlier??!!!

Grimmjow: 'Cuz you're a bunch of idiots!!

**At least neither of them is Sleeping Beauty.**

Grimmjow: HARRRRR!!!

**You know, I have the book here laying before me and we're now halfway ninth sentence. So I say: Let's hurry up with the story!!**

Ulquiorra: Finally.

Grimmjow: O.O When did you get here?!

Ulquiorra: Before you got here, I just didn't say anything.

Grimmjow: Emo.

Ulquiorra: That's always better than being Sleeping Beauty.

Grimmjow: SHUT UP!!!!!!

**ALRIGHT!!! STOP THE VERBAL ABUSE!!!! **

Grimmjow: *folds arms and looks away* Hmph!

Ulquiorra: ...

**It was as the frog said. At the end of the next year they went to some random adoption center:**

Aizen: *opens door*

*a cowbell starts ringing*

Isshin: *comes jumping in* WELCO-

Ichigo: *punches his dad aside* WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!!!

Aizen: Now, now. Don't need to be so surprised. We're here to adopt a child, of course.

Ichigo: *sweatdrop* -_-U Then you need to be next door.

Aizen: Ah, well then sorry for the intrusion. Good bye.

*they leave*

Ichigo: What the hell?

**Idiots, why did you go to the wrong house?**

Aizen: Making mistakes is part of life.

***slaps forehead***

*they arive at the correct house*

Gin: *reading the sign* Adoption center the Twisted mind. Hmm, are ya sure this is da good one?

Aizen: Of course. *Opens door*

*sirens start going off*

Gin: What da?

Hanatarou: *comes running in at top speed* Quickly!! Close the door!!

Gin: *closes door* Why?

Hanatarou: Well, you see, I've got a lot of problematic children around here.

Aizen: I see. Will you show us to them?

Hanatarou: Ah, of course. If you'll come with me?

*they follow*

Nnoitra: *sticks foot out*

Gin: *trips and makes a facefold* FUCK!! WHO DID THAT???!!!!!

Nnoitra: Haha!! I'm able to see your panties Miss!!

Hanatarou: Ah, Nnoitra-kun! What are you doing?

Aizen: *picks Gin up and puts him down*

Nnoitra: I tripped him!! Hehe!

Gin: *bitchslaps Nnoitra* HA! That's what ya get from tripping a lady!

Aizen: Let's not take that kid.

Hanatarou: I'm really sorry for his rude behavior, please forgive him.

Gin: Never.

Aizen: Of course. After all he's just a kid.

*they arive at the livingroom where everyone is*

Hanatarou: Everyone please sit down.

Everyone: *ignores him*

*Ganju comes storming in*

Ganju: YOU HEARD HIM FREAKING BASTARDS!!! SIT DOWN OR I'LL SEND BONNY-CHAN!!!!!

*Everyone's ears perk up at the sound of "Bonny-chan"*

Ganju: Now fucking sit down.

*Everyone sits down*

Hanatarou: Today one of you is going to be adopted by these nice men here.

Gin: Men? I thought I was da woman here?

**You're only dressed as a woman.**

Grimmjow: Ha! That makes you a crossdresser!

Gin: Well, this crossdresser and Aizen-taichou are gonna adopt Sleeping Beauty Grimmjow now.

Szayel: Come to think of it, Sleeping Beauty is also a female, right?

Gin: Then that makes Grimmjow a crossdresser too, right?

**Well, yeah. GRIMMJOW!! THERE'S NOW WAY A GIRL IN THOSE TIMES WORE PANTS!!!! PUT THAT DRESS ON!!!**

Grimmjow: NO FUCKING WAY!! These pants are so wide they look like a skirt, so what's your fucking problem?!!

**There are absolutely no girls in the whole fucking world -except for whores maybe- who wear their jacket open with nothing under it.**

Gin: What she's sayin' is: Put the damn dress on, or else.

Grimmjow: *grumbles but puts it on*

Gin: It looks really good on ya, why are ya complainin'?

Grimmjow: It fucking doesn't.

**Ladies and gentleman, right now our dear Grimmjow is our Consious Beauty, although he isn't consious of his, erm I mean **_**her**_** own beauty.**

Grimmjow: Fuck you!! I'm not a girl!! (Harrrr)

Aizen: But you look like a beautiful one. Okay, it's decided then. Gin, we're gonna adopt Grimmjow.

Gin: That was the whole point of comin' here.

**So the pair now had a beautiful daughter. She was so beautiful that the King didn't think of anything but throwing a big party.**

Grimmjow: Seriously, I thought you were the King. Can't you think of anything better?

Aizen: It's what the story says.

Grimmjow: But I hate parties! Couldn't you just give me a ticket some fucking Metal concert or something?

Aizen: Please don't go acting like a spoiled brat now.

Grimmjow: I'm not acting fucking spoiled!

**Of course not. *sarcasm* A Metal concert is what every princess wants isn't it? It's just like every little girl wanting to be a princess. But anyway, the King threw the party and didn't only invite all of his Arrancar and Hollows, but also the 13 wise (female) captains of the Gotei 13 (Kira, Shuuhei and Momo also since they are their temporary replacesments), so they could bless his child and give her a kind heart.**

Gin: Only he never got a kind heart.

**True. But unfortunately the King had only 12 golden plates, so he had to discard of one invitation. He chose to throw Yamamoto's away.**

Yamamoto: Why mine?

**'Cause you're ugly.**

Yamamoto: I'm the soutaichou, therefore you'll pay for doing this to me.

**Hey! Don't blame me for this! Aizen is the one who ripped up your invitation! Not me!**

Yamamoto: Then he'll pay.

**Good. Anyway, the party was being held in all it's furry glory and before it ended the 12 wise (still female) captains of the Gotei 13 gave their wonderfull blessings for which every other girl could just wish for. (In order of squadnumbers)**

Soi fon: You'll be blessed with virtue.

Grimmjow: O.O

Kira: You'll be blessed with overweight.

Grimmjow: WHAT?!! I'M NOT HEAVY YOU DICKSUCKER!! OX

Gin: Oh my, you're starting to act like a girl.

Grimmjow: FUCK YOU!!

Unohana: You'll be blessed with beauty.

Grimmjow: I thought I already was.

Byakuya: You'll be blessed with wealth.

Grimmjow: Finally something usefull.

Komamura: You'll be blessed with a fluffy kitty.

Grimmjow: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TO MAKE FUN OF PANTHERA!! YOU GIANT FURBALL!!

Kyouraku: I'll make sure you discover the greatness of alcohol at a young age.

Grimmjow: Great. I already know that greatness...

Shuuhei: You won't smoke.

Grimmjow: Like I'd want something digusting as that.

**Good speech ;D It'll also affect your pregnancy.**

Grimmjow: I can't get pregnant you bitch!

**But I can make you get impregnated, since I'm the awesome author XD**

Grimmjow: Don't you even fucking try.

Toushiro: You'll be blessed with never catching colds.

Grimmjow: Yippee...

Kenpachi: I'll give you great fighting powers :D But make sure you fight me once with it.

Grimmjow: Gladly.

Gin: We don't want our daughter to turn violent.

Grimmjow: I already am.

**When the eleventh finally gave her great blessing, the 13th came storming in.**

Yamamoto: *kicks door open in ninja style*

Doors: *fly dangerously close past Aizen's ears only to end up smashing to little pieces when they hit the wall behind him*

**Without even as much as saying a polite hello she shouted:**

Yamamoto: LISTEN UP YOU BASTARDS!! THE DAY THE BITCH TURNS 15 SHE'LL STAB HER FINGER THROUGH A SPINTOLL AND DIE!!! MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Grimmjow: What kind of retarded death is that?!

Yamamoto: Don't ask me, I was just saying my lines.

**And with that said, she turned around and left every one with shocked faces. That was, untill the the 12th stepped foreward whom still hadn't spoken her blessing. She knew she couldn't undo the curse, but only soften it, and that's why she said:**

Ukitake: She won't die, she'll only fall asleep for a hundred of years.

Zaraki: And?

Ukitake: And what?

Zaraki: What will she do while she's sleeping?

Ukitake: Oh! That's true! She'll snore too!

Grimmjow: WHAT?! If sleeping isn't stupid enough, I even have to snore?!

Ukitake: The prince will be shocked x)

**Good going, Ukitake! xD Anyway, the King, whom wanted his beloved daughter to stay out of danger (on which he failed miserably) ordered to burn every little toll in the whole kingdom.**

Aizen: MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! BURN!! BURN YOU TRIVIAL THINGS!!!

Everyone:

**In the mean time the blessings all became reality (except for the overweigth, our princess fought way too much to still have it), because she became so beautiful, wealthy, and strong, that every one who even stole a glance at her just had to love her.**

Ulquiorra: *cough* not *cough*

Grimmjow: What? You're still here?

Ulquiorra: Of course.

**Of course he's still here you doofus, he's the prince.**

Grimmjow: Aha.

Ulquiorra: *thinks* good thing he didn't freak out.

***whispers to Ulquiorra* Indeed, if he knew what is waiting for him... *evil smirk***

**It was on the day our lovely princess turned 15, that her parents weren't home and she was wandering around the cas-**

Grimmjow: What?! They aren't home?! But I'm turning 15!!

**I know how you feel, my dad didn't turn up at my last birthday too, and this year he's not gonna be there too... TT^TT Anyway, she was wandering about in the castle and looked everywhere her petite heart wanted to and finally ended up at some random old tower. She walked up the sta-**

Grimmjow: OW!! FUCK!! SHIT!! GODDAMN IT!! *tumbles off the stairs* HOW THE FUCK ARE THOSE FUCKING GIRLS ABLE TO WALK ON THOSE SHITTING HEELS?!!!!!!!!

**Don't ask me, dude. I don't wear heels. **

**She tried again, more carefull this time, to walk up the stairs and when she was upstairs, she reached a small door. In the lock was a small rusty key and when she turned it, the door sprang open. What she saw was an old lady who was diligently spinning her flax.**

Grimmjow: Hiya, old fart. What the hell are you doing?

Barragan: I'm spinning, can't you see that?

Grimmjow: And what the fuck is that thing over there that's way too happily spinning?

**She grabbed the toll to start spinning too, but the moment she touched the freaking thing, the curse was fulfilled and she tripped and stabbed her finger.**

Grimmjow: AH FU- *snore*

**And the moment she felt her finger go through the pin she fell down on the bed that was just there, and fell asleep.**

Grimmjow: *SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE*

**And this sleep spread through the whole castle: The King and the Queen, who just came home fell asleep and the whole court along with them. Even the horses in the stable and the dogs in the courtyard, de pigeons on the roof, the flies on the wall, and even the fire in the fireplace didn't move anymore and fell asleep. The meat in the fryingpan stopped baking, and the chef whom just wanted to slap his scoop because he did something wrong, let him go and fell asleep. The wind died down and there was no ruffle of a leaf of the trees around the castle anymore. And around the castle a hedge began to grow, with thorns so big you had to walk at least a meter around them, or else they would stab you mentally. And this hedge grew higher every year untill in completely surrounded the castle and above it so you couldn't even see the roof or the flag on it. And across the land gossips told about Sleeping Beauty, so regulary there was some random prince whom called himself brave who tried to fight their way through the hedge. It didn't work of course, 'cause this hedge is so awesome, for the thorns held onto each other as if they had hands. And because of that the fake brave princes got stuck and died an even more retarded death than Yamamoto predicted would happen to our dear princess.**

**After many, many, many, many, many years there was a prince (again) in the country whom had heard an old man about the hedge and that behind it a great castle would be where a beautiful princess, called Sleeping Beauty, was snoring for a hundred years now, a nuisance the people had learned to ignore, toghether with her court, including the King and the Queen (who all didn't snore). The prince had also heard from his grandfather that many princes failed in the matter of cutting through the hedge. Then the yound prince said:**

Ulquiorra: I'm not afraid, I'm going to go there and see for myself if she's beautiful. If not, then don't worry, I have a snore-fettish. That will compensate.

**And whatever the man blabbered about not to do it, the prince flatly ignored him. But it was just his luck that that day the hundred years where over and Sleeping Beauty would become our Consious Beauty again. When the prince reached the hedge, all he saw where big flowery flowers. These went aside as he stepped through, and closed again as he let them behind him.**

Ulquiorra: Is the tale really this dramatic?

**It is.**

Ulquiorra: Well, whatever. On to Sleeping Beauty.

**When the brave young man reached the courtyard he saw the sleeping dogs and the pigeons on the roof. And when he went inside he saw the flies and the chef. He went further into the castle and saw the whole sleeping court.**

Ulquiorra: Whatever insomnia they had, I'm sure it must be gone by now.

**Indeed. He went further and everything was so quiet he could hear himself breathing.**

Ulquiorra: *panting* Seriously, how big is this castle?

**Las Noches size. Maybe even bigger. I mean, the princess was blessed with wealth right? I'm sure she let something be built to add up to her preferences. **

Ulquiorra: That's possible, yes.

**Anyway, finally the young prince reached the tower.**

Ulquiorra: That wasn't hard to find really. I just followed the snoring noise.

**He opened the door to the small room where the princess slept and what he saw was a sight to behold. The princess lay sprawled out of the floor, bedsheets torn up and dusty. The way she lay was, to say on the least, unhealthy. She somehow had ended up laying on her right side with her left arm underneath her, and had her right on the left side of her neck. Her right leg on the other behalf had ended up strangled with her left. Her back had a 90 degree angle.**

Ulquiorra: Hello sexy...

**Seriously, Ulquiorra, what kind of sick fettishes do you have?**

Ulquiorra: The ones you make me have.

**He lifted her gracefully and laid her down (in a healthy way I might add) on the bed so he could kiss her.**

Ulquiorra: *kisses her roughly on the mouth*

Grimmjow: *eyes snap open* *pushes him away* SERIOUSLY!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FUCKING DOING!!!!??

Ulquiorra: I kissed you.

Grimmjow: AND WHY THE FUCK DID YA DO THAT??!!!!!

Ulquiorra: The script says I have to.

Grimmjow: Oh. *blushes*

Ulquiorra: Do you want me to continue?

Grimmjow: NO WAY!! OoO

Ulquiorra: *pushes Grimmjow on the bed and starts making out again*

Grimmjow: *resists but eventually gives in*

*five minutes later*

**Seriously, dudes. When are you going to fucking stop? We need to continue with the story, it's only a small part now. Still need to do 19 and a half lines. Then you can fuck as much as you want, seriously.**

Grimmjow and Ulquiorra: *stop at the word 'fuck'*

**Good. They went down together and the King and the Queen and the whole court, and they looked at each other like this: O.O **

**And the dogs started to fight again, and the pigeon flew away, the flies crept on; the fire started burning again, and the meat started to bake again; and the chef slapped his scoop so mercilessly hard, he fell screaming on the floor. Then the King and the Queen arranged a marriage with the parents of the prince.**

Halibel: So they want to marry?

Aizen: Yep.

Stark: Let's just give them a marriage then.

Gin: That's what I wanted to hear.

**The wedding was held in it's sparkly glory and they lived happily ever after till the end of their days...**

Grimmjow: Seriously, what's that kinda crappy ending?

**I agree with you, but that's how all fairytales end, crappy. So sorry for the crappy ending. Oh and btw, you can fuck all you want now, the story's over.**

Grimmjow and Ulquiorra: *subtly go to another room*

Gin: They're like rabbits, an' they only know eachother for what? 3 minutes?

Aizen: Now, now, Gin. Don't blame them. They're married.

Gin: So where should we send them on honeymoon?

Stark: Let's not think about that now.

Gin: I dun even wanna know what they're gonna do when they get to that.

Szayel: CROAOAOAOAOAOAK!!

**Well, that was it. Hope ya liked it^^ Now please tell me what you think by clicking this alluring green button below~ XD **


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